In 1914 after the surrender of the Germans in World War one, dejected German citizens turned to cannibalism and inbreeding. The sanctions from the Treaty Of Versailles crippled the once powerful nation, forcing them into 20 years of economic depression, and probably shyster porn. Some of the more retarded and vile of these people traveled back in time to 1903. They formed a Pacific Coast Minor league team named the Los Angeles Angels. The reasoning for this name later inspired Hitler to search for stupid occult crap like you see in the Non-Fictional work of Dr. Jones in the documentary classic series Indiana Jones. With Hitler running the team during the late 30’s and early 40’s the Angels were a secret covert operation of Nazi spies. They are likely the instigators of such devious tricks as McCarthyism, devious, I know. After the fall of the Nazi’s in 1944, Hitler’s spirit was caught via a lasso by Gene Autry.

In 1961 the American League under the influence of the counter Mafia tactics of the Kennedy administration had to act. They forced the American League to expand to Los Angeles after the PCL team became some Salt Lake city minor league team. Gene Autry now mad with the power of Hitler’s soul was convinced into owning the team. During their first season, after all the players had sold their souls to Satan, they finished with the highest winning percentage of any MLB expansion team ever. The record still stands until this very day due to the forces of pure evil. The extended powers of the Dark Lord put them in contention in both 1962 (3rd place) and 1963 (5th Place). The O’Maley family, long time owners of the Dodgers, used the force to try and expel the un-holy alliance from Los Angeles by charging them a metric fuck ton of cash. Temporarily vanquished Hitler’s soul suggested a move to Anaheim, and changed their name to The California Angels. This was an especially evil trick as it is close to Cauliflower, which enjoyment of is a sign of the Anti-Christ. More success followed, until they demons working in the ticket office started to become unnerved and spontaneously combust. The 1969 “Miracle” Mets and their “Hope” and qualities were unnerving the whole organization. Clearly something had to be done to keep the Hitler/Satan combination working. The Cubs were sacrificed via Black Cat, and the return was the Mets gave up Nolan Ryan for a roll of toilet paper and a broken lighter.

In 1979 the Angels finally reached the playoffs, finally breaking the pact that was set in place, Nolan Ryan escaped via Free Agency. The 80’s were a hard time for the Angels, as the Brewers with two cleverly hidden Arch Angels (Who the hell would look in Milwaukee?) Paul Moliter and Robin Yount defeated them before they could reach the World Series. In 1986, still in recoil from the toilet paper and broken lighter the Mets found a passage in Egyptian text on how to send ghosts into Hell. There was collateral damage, as Bill Buckner was used as fuel to perform this devious trick, with the Mets having to ingest amounts of alcohol and cocaine yet unimagined, also they had to punch people in bars for some strange reason. Dave Henderson’s homerun crippled Hitler, and cast him into Hell finally. The demon spawn known as Donnie Moore eventually shot his wife and them himself due to his failures to the Dark Lord. All was good for a long while….

1995 rolled around and the Mets curse seemed to fade as the remaining members of the Mets got sober. The Angels tore out of the gate and lead the AL West by 13 games before Gooden and Strawberry united in a single drug binge large enough to bring the Mariners’ back all the way and on the last day defeat the Angels. Ken Griffey Jr.’s sacrifice of his hamstring after 5 more years had done the trick. The Angels had only one recourse without Hitler, The Disney Corporation.

After testing many various rituals Disney was able to figure out the most evil plan of all. The Rally Monkey was cast from the river Styx by the fuel of a thousand tortured souls. With his higher level powers of wrath and chaos he was able to turn the tables on the side of good and the Angels won the 2002 World Series. With their evil plan come to fruition Disney sold the Angels to Arte Moreno (This means animal rapist in Spanish).

Animal Rapist renamed the team to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, since the once powerful O’ Malley’s had sold the Dodgers to an equally evil shitwheel, Rupert Murdoch. Using his Hispanic heritage Animal Rapist lured various Dominican players into his trap with various mind controlling phrases discovered in the late 90’s such as “Essssss SO REEEEEEAL.” After the failure to trick the now deposed “Hero of Time” Miguel Tejada into his Dominican soul trap, he just went for the roided up Gray Mathews Jr. Mathews is famous for masterminding the World Trade Center attacks and being cut by every other team in MLB, the NFL, and the WNBA. Animal Rapist plans on adding more and more names to the Angels’ name until he controls the entire world, and can rape every animal. (Including a Kimono Dragon)

~Obviously an A’s fan.

Labels: Los Angeles Angels, Totally True Stuff, Worst Team Ever

I figured it would all lead up to this. The Washington Nationals have a team that looks like it will be historically bad. 40-140 1962 Mets bad? Nah, but I think a bunch of terrible pitching records are going down. LOOK OUT ANTHONY YOUNG!

2006 Season
Well, Nick Johnson managed to escape the horror, and broke his leg slamming into Kearns the magical strike out dragon. Soriano put up the first 40-40-40 (Hr's, SB's, 2b's) season. GM Jim Bowden, when not drinking and driving around town, demanded 47 cases of Grey Goose for him, and was turned down. So instead of 2 or 3 prospects for him, you get a Sandwich pick in between the first and second draft round, and the Cubs' second rounder, since their first rounder is protected because they suck. WAY TO GO. Somehow Bowden tore the Reds apart in a trade, but the bullpen was pretty much gutted.

Offseason:
Soriano went to the land of magical rainbows and is now playing CF for comedy value. Jose Gullien managed not to strange anyone, and left for Seattle, Frank Robinson was replaced with Manny Acta, and Jose Vidro was sent to prison. Or the Mariners, I can't tell.

Now:
Virtually all leaders in every major statistical category for the team last year are gone, pitching and hitting. Every busted prospect in the history of time was invited to spring training so actually trying to figure out this lineup is like trying to take Dimitri Young's liquor away. (Please don't hit me like your wife) Since everyone but Patterson is only theoretically in existence, they're all pitching on short rest during spring training, which will lead to hilarious effects right around September when all their arms are dead. Patterson was one of the loophole bonus money kids, along with temporary offensively crippled teammate Travis Lee. He can't stay healthy anyway, which is going to lead to the most hilarious pitching staff beyond five fly ball pitchers on the Rockies. I suppose a bunch of players are battling for positions like Snelling vs Church for LF, and Nook Logan vs the cat that lives in the outfield for who can post a higher OBP. At least the cat will take pitches.

Projected Things:
Lineup:
2B Felipe Lopez
SS Cristian Guzman (WHAT? Isn't this a high OBP contact spot?)
3B Ryan Zimmerman
RF Austin Kearns (KKKKKKKKK)
1B Dimitri Young (Nick Johnson whenever he un-breaks)
CF Alex Escobar (I seriously hope they aren't starting Logan)
C Brian Schneider
LF Ryan Church

Bench, I guess?
OF Nook Logan (Vomits uncontrollably)
OF Chris Snelling
IF/OF Josh Wilson
C Jesus Flores (Rule 5 via Mets)
RF/LF/1B/3B/C Robert Fick

Rotation:
RHP John Patterson
RHP Shawn Hill
RHP Jason Simontacchi
LHP Matt Chico (Never pitched higher than AA)
RHP Jason Bergmann, Levale Speigner, Joel Hanrahan, Tim Redding, Jerome Williams

Bullpen:
Cl RHP Chad Cordero (Soon to be a Red Sox anyways)
SU: Jon Rauch (Have fun closing once a month)
I have no clue who the hell is making the rest of this team.


2007 Outlook:
Basically the Phillies, Marlins, Braves, and Mets are going to be taking open batting practice sessions. The Nationals have a strike out heavy offense, that could score decently. My own suggestion is finding a rocket and shooting Christian Guzman into the sun. Possibly something is acquired for Cordero from a closer needing team, which can be considered the basic life structure that in a few million years will evolve into a pitcher. Other than that, I hope the cat from the outfield does well.

Projection:
I've seen a number of projections on the Nationals so far. They range from horrible to holocaust. I don't think they'll quite make it to holocaust, maybe just Rape of Nanking horrible. I believe it was Mike Scioscia who said you win 1/3rd of your games, and you lose 1/3rd of your games, it's the last 1/3rd that determines how you finish. Lets make them almost all loses then shall we? 54-108.

Good luck with history kids! Here's Youppi:

LES EXPOS, NEVAR FORGET

Labels: Terrible, Washington Nationals, Worst Team Ever