During the course of the spring, many a publication and blog post their annual division winners list. They are always wrong, and boring. Lets try to look at it from another way. Who's going to be fucking horrible?

Pecota Says:
010101010101
NL East- Nationals (Crazy people in the OF)
NL Central- Pirates (CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL)
NL West- Giants (Old people jokes)
AL East- O's (OH GOD THIS IS NOT 4TH PLACE, HOW CAN THIS BE?)
AL Central- Royals (OZZIE BALL IS COMIN' FOR YOU)
AL West- Mariners (Win % = 1/ 1 + SQ((792/813) = .513 NOT .543)
1101001000 BEEP BOOP

The history of Pecota is shrouded in mystery. Pecota grew up as a TI-81 calculator and was beat up by scrappy Asians who typed 58008 and flipped the number upside down. This is why it hates Ichiro, Pokemon, and intangibles. I agree mostly with this racist evil computer, minus the Mariners. I believe the Rangers are bad enough dudes to save the President from Ninjas, or finish in last. The NL Central should be an exciting 4 way brawl of suck to watch tho!

Labels: IHateU, Inccorect Predictions, Terrible

I figured it would all lead up to this. The Washington Nationals have a team that looks like it will be historically bad. 40-140 1962 Mets bad? Nah, but I think a bunch of terrible pitching records are going down. LOOK OUT ANTHONY YOUNG!

2006 Season
Well, Nick Johnson managed to escape the horror, and broke his leg slamming into Kearns the magical strike out dragon. Soriano put up the first 40-40-40 (Hr's, SB's, 2b's) season. GM Jim Bowden, when not drinking and driving around town, demanded 47 cases of Grey Goose for him, and was turned down. So instead of 2 or 3 prospects for him, you get a Sandwich pick in between the first and second draft round, and the Cubs' second rounder, since their first rounder is protected because they suck. WAY TO GO. Somehow Bowden tore the Reds apart in a trade, but the bullpen was pretty much gutted.

Offseason:
Soriano went to the land of magical rainbows and is now playing CF for comedy value. Jose Gullien managed not to strange anyone, and left for Seattle, Frank Robinson was replaced with Manny Acta, and Jose Vidro was sent to prison. Or the Mariners, I can't tell.

Now:
Virtually all leaders in every major statistical category for the team last year are gone, pitching and hitting. Every busted prospect in the history of time was invited to spring training so actually trying to figure out this lineup is like trying to take Dimitri Young's liquor away. (Please don't hit me like your wife) Since everyone but Patterson is only theoretically in existence, they're all pitching on short rest during spring training, which will lead to hilarious effects right around September when all their arms are dead. Patterson was one of the loophole bonus money kids, along with temporary offensively crippled teammate Travis Lee. He can't stay healthy anyway, which is going to lead to the most hilarious pitching staff beyond five fly ball pitchers on the Rockies. I suppose a bunch of players are battling for positions like Snelling vs Church for LF, and Nook Logan vs the cat that lives in the outfield for who can post a higher OBP. At least the cat will take pitches.

Projected Things:
Lineup:
2B Felipe Lopez
SS Cristian Guzman (WHAT? Isn't this a high OBP contact spot?)
3B Ryan Zimmerman
RF Austin Kearns (KKKKKKKKK)
1B Dimitri Young (Nick Johnson whenever he un-breaks)
CF Alex Escobar (I seriously hope they aren't starting Logan)
C Brian Schneider
LF Ryan Church

Bench, I guess?
OF Nook Logan (Vomits uncontrollably)
OF Chris Snelling
IF/OF Josh Wilson
C Jesus Flores (Rule 5 via Mets)
RF/LF/1B/3B/C Robert Fick

Rotation:
RHP John Patterson
RHP Shawn Hill
RHP Jason Simontacchi
LHP Matt Chico (Never pitched higher than AA)
RHP Jason Bergmann, Levale Speigner, Joel Hanrahan, Tim Redding, Jerome Williams

Bullpen:
Cl RHP Chad Cordero (Soon to be a Red Sox anyways)
SU: Jon Rauch (Have fun closing once a month)
I have no clue who the hell is making the rest of this team.


2007 Outlook:
Basically the Phillies, Marlins, Braves, and Mets are going to be taking open batting practice sessions. The Nationals have a strike out heavy offense, that could score decently. My own suggestion is finding a rocket and shooting Christian Guzman into the sun. Possibly something is acquired for Cordero from a closer needing team, which can be considered the basic life structure that in a few million years will evolve into a pitcher. Other than that, I hope the cat from the outfield does well.

Projection:
I've seen a number of projections on the Nationals so far. They range from horrible to holocaust. I don't think they'll quite make it to holocaust, maybe just Rape of Nanking horrible. I believe it was Mike Scioscia who said you win 1/3rd of your games, and you lose 1/3rd of your games, it's the last 1/3rd that determines how you finish. Lets make them almost all loses then shall we? 54-108.

Good luck with history kids! Here's Youppi:

LES EXPOS, NEVAR FORGET

Labels: Terrible, Washington Nationals, Worst Team Ever

It would seem everyone else is doing season capsules on their favorite team. Being slightly retarded, and possibly drooling on myself right now, I have decided to instead review the horrible teams you wouldn't wish upon Hitler. If Hitler liked baseball. And he was alive. And not like in jail. And not taking it up the Nazi Strudel for cigarettes. I think you get the point now.

2007 Pittsburgh Pirates Season outlook (Stay away from lethal objects such as: toasters, loaded weapons, sharp objects, and DVD's of Sex in the City)

Out of 2006:
Well, they finished ahead of the Cubs, but that's kind of like beating your always cursed Dusty Baker pitching destroying little sister in baseball. Wait, that's exact ally it. It hasn't been a good decade since McGwire and Sosa made Hulk angry and Barry Bonds got all mad and turned green and went to San Francisco and smashing things. Freddy Sanchez somehow forgot that he was Freddy Sanchez and somehow lead the NL in batting average and doubles. The Pirates went 37-35 over the last portion of the 06 season to have their first winning record in any half of a season since 1992. Jason Bay needs help.

Off season moves:
Well, RF Xavier Nady possibly has an inflamed painful anus, but they somehow got rid of Oliver Perez's inflating ERA. So I guess that one is sort of even. Possibly because human sacrifice is not allowed in the Collective bargaining agreement, RP Dan Klob was not used as a sacrifice to clear out the vengeful ghosts of Sid Bream, he was instead signed to ruin their minor league prospects by osmosis. All-Star closer Mike Gonzalez was traded to the relief pitching desperate Braves for 1B Adam LaRoche. LaRoche finally stopped hitting like a girl last year, and showed really good power, also a Left handed power bat is something Jason Bay desperately needed before he is needed to take truckloads of Prozac. The trade seemingly is a good trade for both teams, assuming Laroche doesn't wake up wanting to wear a dress one day. Luis Matos was also signed, proving that he didn't die and just no one noticed. Yoslan Herrera from Cuba was signed and could help out in the rotation soon. Jose Hernadez was also signed for extra Strike out depth. I think. Also there's some pitcher who was traded for Pedro Martinez and Mike Stanley. Nothing much of note here, besides the funny inflamed anus.

Now:
Jeromy Burnitz retired, which is automatic improvement clearing RF for Inflamed Butt boy and stabilizing the outfield. The trade of Gonzalez leaves Salomón Torres as their closer by default. You may or may not recall him being clutch in high pressure situations, which a closer is in a lot I am told, such as giving up 3 runs in 3 1/2 innings to screw the 103 win Giants out of the playoffs in 1993 on the last day of the season. Who the hell wants Hudson Street when you can have that action? Herrera was sent down to AA recently, and should be recalled later in the year. 2B Jose Castillo is great at going into long slumps, so I'm guessing Sanchez once again plays ring around the infield, and prospect 3B Bautista gets into the lineup.

Projected line up:
1. Chris Duffy CF (Could be replaced if is OBP doesn't go up)
2. Jack Wilson SS
3. Freddy Sanchez 2B
4. Jason Bay LF
5. Adam LaRoche 1B
6. Inflamed Anus RF
7. Ronny Paulino C
8. Jose Bautista 3B

Bench:
OF Nate McLouth
2B José Castillo
1B/C Ryan Doumit
C Humberto Cota
IF Jose "Strikeout" Hernandez

Starters:
LHP Zach Duke
LHP Paul Maholm
RHP Ian Snell
LHP Tom Gorzelanny
RHP Tony Armas, RHP Shawn Chacón (No matter who wins, we all lose)

Closer:
RHP Salomón Torres (ANYTHING BUT DAN KOLB)

Bullpen:
LHP Dámaso Marté
RHP Matt Capps (Could close if Torres, is infact pitches like Torres)
RHP John Grabow
RHP Jonah Bayliss
RHP Josh Sharpless
And I suppose whoever loses the 5th starter battle, no I really don't know who any of these people are in the bullpen. All that matters is no DAN KLOB.

Help in the Minors:
-RHP Yoslan Herrera (Escaped Cuba, got trapped in Pittsburgh)
-MI Brian Bixler, is due up soon if the Pirates have any injuries or need another utility Infielder.
-A million busted pitching prospects, in case of Starting rotation failure, BREAK GLASS, FINISH IN LAST PLACE.

So, now you know your Pittsburgh Pirates. Not that you probably wanted to. Oh man, the Cubs spent how much? 300 Million. Shit. If we finish in last place and sign Roger Dorn can we move to Florida or something? Has someone done this already??? HELP ME RICK "WILD THING" VAUGHN.

Projection: Lets see, what to guess... How about 70-75 wins to avoid losing 100 games again? Maybe they can beat the Reds, if Mr. Velociraptor comes and eats Ken Griffey Jr. again. Hopefully they can improve on the worst scoring offense in baseball, and throw a bunch of pitchers against the wall and see what sticks. At least they'll be miles ahead of the Nationals. So, here is a picture of a seal:

~Mike

Labels: Pittsburgh Pirates, Terrible, YARRRR