Hello friends, as the election is upon us, let me remind you, my fellow Americans, about how fucking horrible Derek Jeter is.

HELLO I AM A LINK, NOT LIKE A ZELDA ONE THO. PLEASE CLICK.

Also for robo Jeter sex stories, we have the SOSH kids

She made eye contact but was too shy to go over. No need to worry, the captain made the first move. He walked over to her and dropped the following pickup line- "WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS?"

I suppose this is what happens when you don't have to try anymore...

Labels: Derek Jeter's Herpies, IHateU, Jeremy Giambi you fucking retard slide

Pittsburgh Pirates:
year DV DIVS RECD WINP PLC
2008 NL Cent 67-95 (.414) 6 Tampa Bay advances to the World Series
2007 NL Cent 68-94 (.420) 6 Colorado advances to the World Series
2006 NL Cent 67-95 (.414) 5
2005 NL Cent 67-95 (.414) 6
2004 NL Cent 72-89 (.447) 5
2003 NL Cent 75-87 (.463) 4 Florida Wins World Series
2002 NL Cent 72-89 (.447) 4
2001 NL Cent 62-100 (.383) 6 Arizona Wins World Series
2000 NL Cent 69-93 (.426) 5
1999 NL Cent 78-83 (.484) 3
1998 NL Cent 69-93 (.426) 6 Arizona Diamondbacks, Tampa Bay Satanz *poof*
1997 NL Cent 79-83 (.488) 2 Florida Wins World Series
1996 NL Cent 73-89 (.451) 5
1995 NL Cent 58-86 (.403) 5
1994 NL Cent 53-61 (.465) 3
1993 NL East 75-87 (.463) 5 Colorado Rockies, Florida Marlins *poof*

Labels: BLOGGGIN AINT SHIT BUT TRICKS AND HOS, IHateU

We here at Big show baseball are the best bloggers ever. This is why while as the world series starts, we ask you this question:

I'm totally drinking right now and I only counted like four Backstreet Boys here. I seem to recall five, who the hell is missing?

Labels: IHateU, Philadelphia Phillies, Tampa Bay Not Devil Rays

There are only like 4 reasons ever to name a baseball blog post after an overpowered Magic the Gathering card. I forget the other 3 but they have to do with rolling 20 and an elf.

FREE TACOS FOR STOLEN BASES IS BACK:
TACOS

Free tacos on ROCKTOBER 28th (Tuesday) if a base is stolen in games 1-4, if none are stolen until games 5-7 then November 3rd is the taco day. Times are 2:00PM to 6:00PM for your free tacos.


And for the hell of it:

Philadelphia Phillies and the World Series:
1980 Won against Kansas City Royals

1915 Lost to Boston Red Sox
1950 Lost to New York Yankees
1983 Lost to Baltimore Orioles
1993 Lost to Toronto Blue Jays

The AL East circle is almost complete...

Labels: Carl Crawford lets make a deal, IHateU, Philadelphia Phillies, TACO TACO TACO, World Series

Here at bigshow baseball, we are adults who would never make fun of the city of New York and their hilarious baseball teams.

OH SNAP, I just did.

Enjoy the 4 more years guy who traded Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore, and Brandon Phillips for like 3 weeks of Bartolo Colon.

P.S.: The Onion

Shine on you crazy diamonds.

Labels: IHateU, My team missed the postseason and I'm being a little bitch

MLB Trade Rumors

Holy shit.

Today, McGwire says, he works out twice a day and still weighs 245 pounds. "I can still hit, if somebody wants me," he said. "Now, wouldn’t that be a shocker?"

WHAT?

Labels: Holy Shit Balls, IHateU, Mark McGwire

In this day and age, there are still many people on this planet. Most of them think Derek Jeter is totally awesome and not COMPLETELY AVERAGE THIS YEAR (OPS+ =99). I think a lot of those people are responsible for America's got talent, American Idol, Americans making jackasses out of themselves, and America molests the 5th grader that is smarter than them.

I believe it's the magical time in this to mention THIS THIS THIS THIS or BURN DOWN YOUR WHOLE FUCKING CITY NOW LEVEL STUPID or just try any of the other 880,000 results.

Or simply put:
SI via USSMarinier

"'I agree that he looks terrific on the plays that he does make, and he has great fundamental techniques, but he simply doesn't cover as much ground as other players with more lateral movement, and that hurts the Yankees, though obviously his offense more than makes up for his defensive shortcomings, and he's still a Hall of Fame player. But, defensively, he's great at the things that don't matter that much and not so good at the one thing that matters a lot. And if you're interested, I've got some really cool data to back all these claims up.'

"And then they'd call me an idiot and walk away."

So I got this last night:

[22:10] DR. X: i relayed your thoughts on the drays to a yankees fan and he called u an idiot

[22:10] DR. X: i told him how you called this before season

[22:11] DR. X: and he said they will explode soon enough

[22:14] DR. X: i said "ok", since he is my boss


YEAH, THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

P.S. LOL

The Yankee slugger revealed Friday he slips on a gold lamé thong with a flame-line waistband when he's trying to get out of a hitting slump - and he's shared it with his teammates.

...

Derek Jeter agreed that Giambi's thong works, although "it's so uncomfortable running around the bases."

Labels: Captian Intagibles, I would like to gamble against your boss for money, IHateU

The Arizona Republic

...Snyder suffered what was diagnosed as a left testicular fracture after he was struck by a foul ball off the bat of Corey Hart.

OH GOD. Don't pull the blade on the guy in shades, OH NO.

Labels: I wear my sunglasses at OUCH MY BALLS, IHateU

After looking at the results this season for Day/Night splits, lets see which ones are just dumb luck by looking at last year.




Of these magical teams, it seems only the Orioles consistently suck ass during the day. The Giants' also appear to hate the day, but they may just be missing breakfast at Denny's or something GET OFF MY LAWN.

Oddly enough, masturbating hero of drunkards, Aubrey Huff appears to love the shit out of days:

Aubrey Huff
2008 Day: .883 OPS
2008 Night: .826 OPS
2007 Day: .809 OPS
2007 Night: .768 OPS
Career Day: .826 OPS
Career Night: .812 OPS

So I guess the rest of the Orioles need to drink and whack off more.

On the other side, the Red Sox, and the Royals appear to love the day. Since the Cubs play about half their games as day games, maybe they should get more drunkard chicken chokers, or Royals. Whatever.

In related news, Mark Prior was trapped in the phantom zone and beaten up by General Zod.

Labels: Aubrey Huff's Muff, Day Night Splits, IHateU

Since I am a degenerate gambler, I have begun to wonder about day/night splits. In this episode of Big Show Baseball, let’s see who needs to get some amphetamines.

Well that or porn.



The Orioles, Indians, Rangers, and Phillies seem to be some sort of weird vampire. The Blue Jays seem to be some weirdo morning people freaks.

In other news, Mark Prior was mauled by a emu.

Labels: Day Night Splits, DIV TAGS FIXIN TABLEZ, IHateU

I guess you could also select such comedy options as "Sign Rey Ordonez to an extension" in his greatest hits.

Anyways, this was a month ago:

Portfolio.com

Former New York Mets G.M. and current ESPN on-air talent Steve Phillips has a new theory: Thanks to the Mitchell report, drug testing, and overall increased scrutiny, the steroids era is over and teams that play small-ball can thrive.

On the Mike and Mike Show yesterday, Phillips said "at the current pace we're on this season, Major League Baseball would be down over a thousand home runs in 2008 compared to the 2006 season."

Lets take a look at the home runs now:
2006-5386
2007-4957
2008-2134 (4735proj)
DIFF 06/08 (651) DIFF 07/08 (222)

Not quite a thousand anymore eh? MAN I SURE HOPE TEMPERATURE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING It's warming and catching up to last year, when everyone was injecting horse steroids into their eyeballs.

Since using steroids only means you hit home runs, and never some other wacky power stat like, I dunno, lets check DOUBLES?

At bats per Double/Home Run
2006-18.32/31.07
2007-18.24/33.85
2008-18.73/35.10

Oh you wacky steroids, what won't you do? Like take plate appearances and figure out what a seemingly small change of .005 would do to an entire season!

OBP
2006-.336
2007-.336
2008-.331
(2006PA+2007PA/2 *.336) - (2008PA*.331)
DIFF= 1129 Hits&Walks over the entire season


In other news Mark Prior was eaten by a raccoon.

Labels: IHateU, Inccorect Predictions, steroids

I was looking at the Los Angeles Angels of Satan's Less runs scored and more runs allowed than the A's. So I figured I'd take a look at who else is currently using voodoo to play close in 1 run games or many of the other 5,000 reasons the 2007 White Sox turned back into a pumpkin. (Division leaders in bold)


As you can clearly see, God's wrath against the Atlanta Braves is still intact. It's raining down foul balls into Chipper Jones' orbital bones. However, the Angels prove clearly that there is no God. The Angels are 13-8 in one run games, which should trail back to ~.500 eventually. The Mariners are 7-14 in one run games this year, after those moosefuckers got lucky to the tune of a +9 Pythagorean last year. One can only hope the hilariously same fate for the Angels. =)

Labels: IHateU, Los Angeles Angels, Oakland A's, Pythagorean Wins, YOU SONS OF BITCHES

INTERNETS

Yet every fifth day, fans treat him as if he just shot up a strip club with an Uzi, set it ablaze then beat out the fire with his dog. Sometimes sports are stupid. And being a load can be a load.

I am positive this is exactly what all Giants fans are thinking!

Labels: Barry Zito, Era's near thoeretical imaginary numbers, IHateU

Billy Beane (A's GM, Failed 5 TOOOOOOL Prospect)

AND

Barry Bonds (A delicate flower)

Middle name "Lamar"

Labels: Barry Bonds, Billy Beane, IHateU, SILLY, Where da Bonds at?

Hardball times says:

Last year, from September 1 onward, the Baltimore Orioles posted a team ERA of 6.89, which is the single worst September/October ERA baseball in the last half century. It's almost certainly the worst since the 1930s.

And they didn't just sneak over the border with this one—the second worst score was 6.55. Among all months in which a team played at least 20 games, it's the seventh-highest ERA. (Worst of them all? April 1994, by the Minnesota Twins, with an ERA of 7.34). Most months topping Baltimore are mid-summer ones, so factor in the game's annual temperature curve, and it's even worse for them.

OUCHIE =(

1. RHP Jeremy Guthrie (FLUKE)
2. RHP Daniel Cabrera (2007-108 Walks HURRR)
3. LHP Adam Loewen (CANADA)
4. LHP Troy Patton (Arm could Explode)
5. LHP Garrett Olson

CL George Sherrill LHP
Chris Ray and Danny Baez appear to be dead (Tommy John Surgery)

1. 2B Brian Roberts (Future Cubbies)
2. 3B Melvin Mora (OLD)
3. RF Nick Markakis (Only Hope)
4. DH Aubrey Huff THIS IS YOUR PROJECTED CLEAN UP HITTER... From the Bubba The Love Sponge Show

Bubba: "Now Aubrey, do you jack off a lot on the road, like when you're not with your wife."

Huff: "It's all I do. It's all I do. You guys have no idea how much downtime there is in baseball. You wake up from a hangover about 1 o'clock."

Producer shouts: "In the afternoon?"

Huff: "Oh, yeah! Lemme tell you this. When you are hung over, how horny are you? I'm horny, when I'm hungover, I'm horny. So I'm just gonna beat off. And that's all I do."
...
Bubba: “So for three hours you’re just jerking the fuck outta yourself.

Huff: You know what they have now in the hotels is the (paas??) for $34.99, you get the whole section.”

5. C Ramon Hernandez
6. LF Luke Scott
7. 1B Kevin Millar
8. CF Adam Jones
9. SS Luis Hernandez (You should ask the AL to let your DH hit for him and bat the pitcher)

I would be silly to forget this tho...

Labels: Baltimore Orioles, IHateU, Save us Obi Wan Ripken

During the course of the spring, many a publication and blog post their annual division winners list. They are always wrong, and boring. Lets try to look at it from another way. Who's going to be fucking horrible?

Pecota Says:
010101010101
NL East- Nationals (Crazy people in the OF)
NL Central- Pirates (CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL)
NL West- Giants (Old people jokes)
AL East- O's (OH GOD THIS IS NOT 4TH PLACE, HOW CAN THIS BE?)
AL Central- Royals (OZZIE BALL IS COMIN' FOR YOU)
AL West- Mariners (Win % = 1/ 1 + SQ((792/813) = .513 NOT .543)
1101001000 BEEP BOOP

The history of Pecota is shrouded in mystery. Pecota grew up as a TI-81 calculator and was beat up by scrappy Asians who typed 58008 and flipped the number upside down. This is why it hates Ichiro, Pokemon, and intangibles. I agree mostly with this racist evil computer, minus the Mariners. I believe the Rangers are bad enough dudes to save the President from Ninjas, or finish in last. The NL Central should be an exciting 4 way brawl of suck to watch tho!

Labels: IHateU, Inccorect Predictions, Terrible

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Labels: IHateU

Tuesday, October 30th 2:00PM to 5:00PM Goto Taco Bell and get your motha fuckin' free Goddamned ass taco. Why such a shitty time? Who cares!

Taco Bell, Taco Bell product placement for Taco Bell

Base Running
SB - J Ellsbury (1, 2nd base off U Jimenez/Y Torrealba).

Labels: IHateU, TACO TACO TACO, Thanks Jacob Ellsbury

THE OVERLORD

BALTIMORE -- Leo Mazzone was fired as pitching coach of the Baltimore Orioles on Friday, less than a month after completing his second season with a struggling staff.

GREAT IDEA!

Mazzone was proud of the work he did with starters Erik Bedard, Adam Loewen and Jeremy Guthrie, who have developed into solid major league pitchers. But he never could get through to Daniel Cabrera and some of the other pitchers on the youthful staff.

So he helped out all the young talent, and couldn't help Rick Vaughn not hit fans in alphabetical order by last name. GOOD LUCK O's Kiddies!

Labels: Baltimore Orioles, Fail, IHateU, Save us Obi Wan Ripken

As per Yahoo:
Kerry Wood back on Friday

Labels: Chicago Cubs, IHateU, Totally True Stuff, YARRRR

With our two newest members in the hall of fame, and the fun of annoying O's fans, I give you the following magic:

GROUNDED INTO DOUBLE PLAYS, Alltime

1. Cal Ripken (21 O's seasons)	350
2. Hank Aaron	328
3. Carl Yastrzemski	323
4. Dave Winfield	319
5. Eddie Murray (12 O's seasons)	316
6. Jim Rice	315
7. Julio Franco	312
8. Harold Baines (7 O's seasons)	298
9t. Brooks Robinson (23 O's seasons)	297
9t. Rusty Staub	297

NIFTY!

Labels: Baltimore Orioles, IHateU, Save us Obi Wan Ripken

Ty Wigginton is the most sought after player at the moment. Apparently the Red Sox, Yankees, Padres, Cubs, and Twins have their eyes on this prize of the Devil Ray's magical beans system of picking up formerly released players. I hear some WNBA teams are interested in his GREAT FUNDAMENTALS too. I refuse to believe this bullshit. Not Ty Wigginton, but the WNBA, which is as real as the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and Lindsey Lohan's nose cartilage.

The only halfway interesting trade deadline deals appear to be the bidding war for Mark Teixeira, and the functional parts of the Rangers' bullpen. Somehow the Yankees and Red Sox have worked themselves into rumors for the deal, because Texas is
really stupid. On planet Earth, the Angels and Braves appear to be fighting it out, with the Dodgers as a dark horse team. They are really the only teams that have the need and the farm system to get the former "un-tradeable" part which made Texas never get Bartolo Colon a few years back.

For those people who have read Moneyball, I sadly don't see the vaunted "Fuckin A'" trade from Billy Beane this year. Unless he can find a Triage unit. Be sure to tune into ESPN and vomit all over yourself for their deadline special while Steve Phillips proves why he got fired as Mets GM.

In a side note....

KERRY WOOD

Labels: IHateU, lolCubslol, Trade Deadline

Some guy who wears huge elbow guards is two away from tying and 3 away from breaking a great all time record....

Plunk Biggio

He could probably use a whole bunch of steroids right now.

I don't really know what to counter Joshua's Final Countdown with, so lets try this one...

Deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.

Labels: Craig Biggio, Excessive amounts of Booty, IHateU

With people going crazy trying to figure out which location Bonds hitting 755 and 756 (Harry pretends to be dead, and see title)would bring the most drama, here is a look at the upcoming schedule: (Voldemort's snake kills Snape)


Fri 7/20 @ Milwaukee J. Suppan (8-8) 12 HR's allowed (This season)
Sat 7/21 @ Milwaukee D. Bush (8-7) 13 HR's
Sun 7/22 @ Milwaukee- DAY GAME C. Vargas (7-2) 17 HR's
Mon 7/23 Atlanta J. Smoltz (9-5) 9 HR's
Tue 7/24 Atlanta They Kill the Owl
Weds 7/25 Atlanta
Thur 7/26 Atlanta
Fri 7/27 Florida
Sat 7/28 Florida
Sun 7/29 Florida
Mon 7/30 Off Dobby dies
Tue 7/31 @ Los Angeles (N)
Weds 8/1 @ Los Angeles (N)
Thur 8/2 @ Los Angeles (N)
Fri 8/3 @ San Diego
Sat 8/4 @ San Diego
Sun 8/5 @ San Diego
Mon 8/6 Washington
Tue 8/7 Washington
Weds 8/8 Washington
Thur 8/9 Washington
Fri 8/10 Pittsburgh
Sat 8/11 Pittsburgh
Sun 8/12 Pittsburgh- DAY GAME
(Book ends with them sending their kids to wizzard school)

I think it's safe to assume Bonds will be sitting if he hits any today, to wait for the homestand. Dumbledorf was going to die anyway, Snape performed a mercy killing so Draco wouldn't be a murderer. Well, anyway, go watch some baseball and don't read any kids books!

Labels: Barry Bonds, Gay Children's Books, I'll Muggle your goddamned face, IHateU

Since glorious leader is out flying around on newfangled air carts, I figured the 3 of you paying attention would notice something missing. Bonds went deep off of the equally hated Yankees, which gave Espn some time to make up random stories which no one believes.

Airtime has been given to the issue of A-Rod's contract, and that if someone eventually supplants Bonds soon it would be him. Now, as an A's fan I would love it if the Giants decided to do something hilarious like spend 65 million or so on 3 players (Zito, Bonds, A-Rod). Alas, the Espn story is about the Giants somehow magically having Jack and Shit left (Jack just left town) in their farm system to actually trade for A-Rod. The Giants should just do what they always do in times like this, go get Julio Franco, he's old as all hell.

Labels: Barry Bonds, IHateU

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

-Ichiro Suzuki

I'm gonna go ahead and guess that this is more towards the fact that it is a one game series to make up the snowed out games earlier and the season, and not a comdemnation of Cleaveland as a whole. Trade rumors should start going up soon with his contract due up at the end of the year tho, and I'm guessing he's not going to Ohio anytime soon.

Labels: Cleavland Indians, Ichiro Suzuki, IHateU

Ben Roethlisberger's bike and internal organs (Brain) have now been deceased for one year on this fine day. Happy birthday some curse (Lets say the Curse of the Phantom Holding Call) that someone hasn't made up yet.

Labels: IHateU, NFL

Apparently our friends at MLB have blocked old video of Bo Jackson throwing out Harold from the warning track (No bounces). Jeez.

This isn't as cool, but it still works.

Labels: IHateU, Jim Edmonds

As the five of you who probably read this might have figured out. I am an Oakland A's fan and the friendly guy who posts erotic fan fiction of Barry Bonds is a Giants fan. The Bay series starts tonight so I thought we could leave death threats to each other in this lovely entry. Bonds gets to play his natural DH position, so no one needs to wake grandpa up to take OF practice.

Don't forget 1989 bitch. Also we lead this little dance 29-27, and are 103-73 in interleague play

Friday Barry Zito vs. Chad Gaudin 10:05PM
Saturday Matt Cain vs. Dan Haren 9:05PM
Sunday Matt Morris vs. Joe Kennedy 4:05PM

San Fran Injuries:
Dave Roberts CF
Russ Ortiz Shitty Pitcher

Oakland Injuries:
H. Street RP
C. Snelling LF/RF
M. Piazza DH/C
B. Kielty RF/LF
R. Harden SP
E. Loaiza SP
C. Denorfia CF/RF
M. Kotsay CF

Labels: IHateU, Josh, Oakland A's, San Francisco Giants

The title has nothing to do with this, I just wanted to get some Iron
Maiden in this joint. Also, I'm wondering if the line fromBitchin Camero "Crystal Shit" was ever made into a band name for a Doors coverband. Anyways I hadn't brought too much of my A's fandom into this place yet. Lets check up on every one's favorite injured team with a mascot named STOMPY.

Ouch.
The latest casualty is Huston Street, which isn't so bad as the bullpen has been decent. Problem is Justin Duchscherer is his backup and having hip problems (HI MARK MULDER FANS!). Street is out at least the 15 days, Duchscherer is day to day. In other pitcher injuries Rich Harden continues to do his Kerry Wood impersonation, and Estaban Loaiza is at least sober on the 60 Day DL and not driving his Ferrari 120.

Hitter wise Mike Piazza is out 4-6 weeks when he sprained his shoulder sliding into third, which I would care more about had Jack Cust not gone super saiyan. Cust
strikes out a ton, but when everyone was freaking out about him 4 years
ago or so, I really wanted him. For some stupid reason National League
teams keptaquiring him. Tho I suppose 1b in Denver woulda been stupid silly had they ever let him hit. The outfield has been crossed up since Mark Kotsay
(His wife is hot) went on the 60 Day with back problems. Nick Swisher
and Milton Bradley have been splitting CF (If Bradley is healthy and
not on crazy juice any given day), which causes a rotation of First
base also with Dan Johnson and Swisher. Johnson is playing much better
than last year right now, and along withCust is hitting the upside of .400 the last few games. Bobby Kielty possibly died or was captured by aliens, I don't care. Jerk cost us Ted Lilly and could never beat out Jay Payton.

I'll finish the rest of the non injured folks later. Stupid real job.

~Mike

Labels: IHateU, Oakland A's

Ever want to know the odds to someone turning 37 and putting up a 73 Homerun season?
53,000,000 : 1

This blog entry does a nice job of showing just what an oddity that season was:Kermit the Blog

*Ingest steroids*

~Mike

Labels: Barry Bonds, IHateU, Obvious, steroids